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A Powerful Message for the Absentee Fathers (you should really be ashamed).

I’ve been trying to find some accurate numbers on this for at least a year and a half but I’m pretty confident that 64% of black children are growing up without their father is spot on.  1 is too many but 64% is down right shameful.  This is a crisis and I’d love to know why it’s happening.  Ladies, please, never lay without a condom.  If he thinks you’re not good enough to marry you should never want to bare his child.  And I don’t care how old that child becomes, they are forever impacted by not having their father.  Why are so many black men running from their children?Thanks “T” for the clip and a special thank you “Dear Diary Productions” for taking on this critical subject in a direct and honest way.  For more information, visit HERE


“Ah, men…”

18 thoughts on “A Powerful Message for the Absentee Fathers (you should really be ashamed).

  1. This is very sad. And I know it best because I grew up without my father’s presence. This is the main reason that I think that I don’t like causal sex because what does it really produce but more problems and problematic type people? This is the main reason why I don’t have children yet and why I do not choose to be reckless with my power of fertility because so many are hurt by the lack of love and consideration that is giving when creating life.

    I really would like to be married when I create a family life knowing that both of us are here and committed to the long haul of this role called co-parenting and partnership. It just amazes me how many men don’t see all of the hurt and damage they leave behind by abandoning there off springs and how much women don’t also see the injustice that they do to there children by entering into situation that has no promise of reward and togetherness. Me not growing up with my father actually makes me reject men more then it makes me want to just run into there arms because I don’t trust them by nature. I have to see much more of you too see where you might be coming from for me to give them/him an open invitation into my life. A lot of these men never come back or grow up, they really don’t want to have a ‘why weren’t you not there’ conversation, and they never really understand the struggle that the child has not knowing the other side of there family life and fraternal connections.

    When this same woman grows up there is still no compassion for her situation just a lot of now horny type of men trying to convince her that she should willingly give up herself and body for his personal needs. There is never really time for a young girl growing to a woman to really heal from this place unless she meets a man who comes along and willingly wants to show her differently.

    • Girly, I’m speechless. You raised so many good points on so many issues with this topic! I’m so sorry your dad wasn’t around. I know how very fortunate I was to have mine. I suppose what I’d like for all these missing dads to take away from this PSA is that you don’t need to be rich, a rock star or anything– just be a dad to your children. It fuckin’ tears my heart out to know that back when I was growing up, only 11% of black dads were missing from the home… so really, what has happened? Why have our black men become so chickenshit about raising THEIR kids?! Daughters grow up distrusting men, boys growing up not knowing what true manhood is. What was that song from back in the 80’s? Oh yeah, “Self-Destruction”…

      I gotta give it up for all the real dads, but DAMMIT!! Reach out to these ‘sperm donor dads’ while you’re on the basketball courts (etc.) and tell these spineless ‘men’ to MAN UP! This didn’t use to be a cycle. And it blows my mind that men can be so incredibly selfish. This is almost like being in the eye of a tornado because you can see all of the destruction its’ caused.

      My heartfelt love to “Dear Diary Productions” for making this PSA because this discussion is long overdue.

      • I am also a very serious person and I think that it stems from my father being absent because I don’t play games and don’t like to have games played on me so I can be very serious. You never have to guess my point of views on matter because I give it to you straight. I prefer to be surrounded with people who do not lack a big amount of integrity. With men I rarely believe what is being said and take most of the things that say with a grain of salt in one ear and out of the other. Growing up I was never the type that paid attention to most men and boy on the street trying to holla never thought that was cute. I was smart enough to understand that most people who cross your path is not worth your time. Me and my boo have been together for years but I had to see him become a father to trust in his father like abilities. Now we are raising the baby because the mother past and now I get to see what it takes to be a mother and get to see in him a person working hard to be a father. Now I feel that I can trust the situation more and hope that we get married soon and start our own family or continuing family. Life is not about putting such important situation into other people hands, I want to be accountable for my actions so I am taking my time. I want for the child that I choose to bring into this world to have the best options which starts with me. Don’t get me wrong I am very fun to be around and am very silly but you have to be close enough to me to see that most time but still I can be very open in general but with deeper stuff I am very guarded.

      • Hi there lady!

        I’d have to say that you are a cut above in the sense that you’ve overcome your circumstances. Too many allow their circumstances to overtake them. I’m totally digging what made your boyfriend stand out as a man and not just another male, for you. We’re told that you can judge a man by how well he treats his mother… no way— I say, watch how they treat children! It’s a good barometer for how he will treat his family.

        I don’t get you wrong at all! You take of business first and there’s not a thing wrong with that. I have a feeling that when you both do tie the knot, your child (part of you both) is going to be very fortunate to have you as parents. And KUDOs on stepping in to help raise his baby! It takes a village…

        As for these young girls that are either making a choice to grow up too soon or had no choice… recommended reading: “Woman, Thou Art Loosed”. Not a fan of T.D. Jakes but I think that’s a book that all women (girl women too) should read. You won’t “need mom or dad” to help you understand your worth as a girl in this society after reading that book. I think it’s a book that should be introduced to a young girl as early as 9 years old too. There really are solutions to every problem but this one has to begin with real dialogue. On that note, I can’t thank “Dear Diary Productions” enough for putting this clip forth.

  2. I’m gonna put it simply and crudely: to hell with absentee fathers. I had one and I decided to disown him. He had tried to contact me twice some years ago, but didn’t even give him the time of day. They don’t deserve not one drop of your tears. Don’t let them ruin the rest of your life. 99% of the time there’s a good reason they’re absentee fathers.

    • Well, DAMMIT SON! I admire your honesty!! I’m digging that you decided to disown him. Who wants toxicity in their lives? Where I was feeling saddened, disturbed by this, yeah– maybe we should start saying; “to hell with them”.

      “99% of the time there’s a good reason they’re absentee fathers.”… I can’t argue with that! Thanks for bringing a man’s perspective to the topic. 🙂

    • I had to realize that as well there is a bigger reason why they are not there and most likely if this person was to stay around and in your life they would only be offering you toxicity in your life as this point. It has hurt to know that he did not really want to be around but on the other hand I had a very peaceful and loving household growing up with my mother and siblings. What I can be thankful for is that my father did pick a strong woman in my mother because she never put others before her children and never had men over really at all thru my upbringing. She protected her household with wise choices and strong standards. As a single mother none of her 4 girl has had child as teenagers the ones who did have children was married first, one of my older sister does not have children at all and I am still waiting for my situation to come together as well. Even my brother had his first set of kids when he was married and I think that says a lot for her love and attention to detail seen through us as her children.

      I had to realize that I am here because God wanted me to be here and that he has been the Father of my life every since and has watched over me molding me in the right environments and directions. While I am still a work in progress my childhood was not jaded or hurtful in any areas really other then this one. I realize my father being around would have just probably taught me very negative concepts of life and living because he wouldn’t have stayed around for very loving reasons. Over all life is really about appreciating what you have over what you don’t have because everyone has a God giving purpose despite there beginning.

      • “As a single mother none of her 4 girl has had child as teenagers the ones who did have children was married first, one of my older sister does not have children at all and I am still waiting for my situation to come together as well. Even my brother had his first set of kids when he was married and I think that says a lot for her love and attention to detail seen through us as her children.” WOW! While I know this happens, its really good hear others share their direct experience! This part of what you wrote speaks so much to dispelling the myths (even within our own race)! We are much better than our circumstances (always have been).

        And you absolutely right when you say; “life is really about appreciating what you have over what you don’t”. BUT… it does seem to me that ‘men’ get a free pass to be irresponsible to the life they helped create. I’m glad to get the feedback that there are people who may not be as emotionally impacted by the absence– but, when does a man become a man if not when he becomes a father?

  3. this is one close to my heart too. i had my father -tho him and moms were divorced he stayed in our lives… we still misses shyt tho. sometimes just coz he there dont make him on top of his bidniz…

    i agree that the percentage is ‘prolly that high or higher in the black community. and its not circumstances, the lack of a job, or the white man thats makin them walk away from these babies, its stupidity and immaturity. they get these babies and think that shyt dont stop now that they are a father; they wanna still be Jamaal from the block, up in the club, all in other womens faces (makin more babies) and not takin responsibilty of what the word father really means…

    this is one of the reasons our young black men (and their sons and their sons) are endin’ up as stats in the prison system equation. being igged and missin somethin’ like the love of a parent, guidance, encouragement, mentorin’ et-f*in-cetra, takes a toll on a young person’s mind. They act out. Deep down inside some of these “pseudo-men” arent men at all; they are scared children who, altho they wearin’ the grown man chonies, they still kids… pretendin’ And the cycle continues thru generations…

    i hope they get your message. our community truly needs it.

    (**jumps off soapbox…**)

    • Now, why u wanna make me laugh when this is a serious discussion?! LOL You’ve gotta be related to “Folk” b/c this was a funny read! (smiles)

      Yes, I follow what you mean exactly, especially when you say; “Deep down inside some of these “pseudo-men” arent men at all; they are scared children”. That is and has always been the bottom line of it to me. Hyper-masculinity takes over where fear left off. I’m telling you– I never saw this shit coming. I never thought there’d come a day when men and so many black men would devastate lives in such a way. I now feel like there are more men with vaginas than ever because what a punk move?! And THEN you want to call yourself a “man”? Really? WTF?!!

      And I’ve gotta hit up the women who get with the these baby daddies like its no big deal— shame of you for not respecting yourself enough to know you don’t have to chose to be in a herd among the other baby mamas of Dante’! Come on now! Where is the self-love?! It is also your choice to use a condom (and please– check out Lifestyle Ultra Sensitive in the gray box– the best condoms EVER!) or decide not to get with a guy that ALREADY has 8 baby mamas! It just can’t be that hard to make the right choice, can it?!

      “i hope they get your message. our community truly needs it.”… I hope so too but it seems I have to compete with friggin “dancing with the who gives a damn stars”. We’ve got some jacked up priorities in my opinion. And this isn’t a soapbox, no way no how! It’s time for us black folks to stop ignoring, condoning or “that’s just life-ing this shit”! I’m trying to support Dear Diary Productions because that’s what needs to be done and what these two young ladies created was a platform that is long overdue. As black as I am, Angela Davis to the core and all, even I don’t understand what the hell has happened to the black… shit… EVERYTHING!!!

      (**stays on soapbox til this shit ends**)

  4. Hello Folks. I read your comments, and watched the video. I had some comments before I watched the video, but by the time it was over, I was too greatly moved to go in that directions. But i do have something I would like to say.

    My brothers and I were raised by a single father. I raised my sons as a single father for several years, and have done so with my little girl for the better part of the last few years… and after a phone call I just got… for the foreseable future. Now as much as I missed my mother when she wasn’t around, and as much as my daughter has missed her mother when she wasn’t around, I know those women loved us. It may not have shown in some of the things they did. Other people assessed the situations, and spoke negatively against my mother and my estranged wife. But I chose to be understanding. Did it affect me growing up without my mother? Yes! It still does, even though I took care of her in the years before her death. Does it hurt my daughter when mommy isn’t around? Yes. But she makes sure she knows she loves her when she is around, and I make sure she knows mommy loves her when she’s not.

    My point is, I could base my attitude on the feeling of hurt, but i don’t. I choose not to. In the 2000 census there were almost 300,000 homes that were led by single fathers. How do I know? I looked it up a few years ago when i felt like i didn’t exist because no one acknowledged men like me. It’s not like the 1.7 millions single mother homes, but for the kids that come home at night to daddy and daddy alone, those other statistics are meaningless. I could hate the 300,000+ now women who aren’t there for their children, or the hundreds of thousands who are on the books as raising their children, but it’s really grandma/pa or auntie raising them. Or the ones who are using their children for Uncle Sam to fund their non-working lifestyle, of which there are far too many. I could hate them all, but I don’t. Because like my mother, i choose to believe they would do better if they could. Am I giving them too much credit? Many of them… yes. But i would rather give credit to those who don’t deserve it than fault those who can’t help it.

    Hurting people hurt people. Many of the people in the video say they can’t keep lasting relationships because of their hurt from their missing fathers. How many of those fathers shared the same story as a result of not having a father themselves? No statistics on that one. No one cares to ask. i don’t believe that 64% number. Most of the statistics I’ve seen count single mother homes and conclude there is no fatherly influence. But statistics also show that Black fathers pay a higher level of child support than other fathers outside the home, and many outside the home still take an active role in their children’s lives but their children are recorded as fatherless. And many of the children counted as not having “their father” in their life actually have a step-father in the home. Often times confusion comes into the statistics because of mothers with multiple children of multiple fathers. Also, when women choose not to put the father on the birth certificate for whatever reason, even if the father protests it, that child is counted as fatherless.

    No doubt Black men have got to do a better job of recruiting other men to get/be in touch with their children despite the issues they may have with the mother6… or with themselves. But mothers need to take advantage of the male support systems in place, such as sports teams, boy/girl scouts etc. A women is not responsible for making a father be in a child’s life, but she is responsible to make sure their is a male presence in the child’s life. I would have loved to have been able to identify more of myself through my mother, but I had other women who “mothered” me in her absence, and it cut down greatly on the pain and issues I had to deal with.

    Just wanted to give another perspective. Just like Black men sell less drugs but do more time in jail for it, and are painted as the force behind the drug trade when we are at the bottom of the totem pole, we take a beating in the media when it comes to parenting too. As a group we’re far from right, but we’re not as wrong as the statistics make us out to be.

    • Well, hi there, Dwane T.!

      I hardly know where to begin with your comment! Let me start with this, I love and support the black man, ALWAYS HAVE. I know so many good dads and even recently meeting a 27 yr old single dad so I KNOW and ADORE that you exist! I sing your praises consistently within my circle of friends and colleagues. I think I may have shown my admiration of fathers in general a time or two on the blog. I think your account is incredibly poignant. I mean, it proves that you guys (all you wonderful single dads) really do take fatherhood quite seriously. It’s yet another myth that does need to be expelled about the black race. So, seriously, thank you for sharing! It is incredibly important.

      My reason for supporting Dear Diary Productions is that in my experience, it’s extremely difficult to ignore the tremendous increase over my short life that too many black dads are indeed, M.I.A. And I’d like to focus on the ones that aren’t locked away but simply chose to say; “I’m outty” and skip out on mom and their baby. And I’d also like to address the ones who stay away because they can’t afford buy their kid that pair of ‘air jordans’ (yes, I’ve known a few who used that as an excuse). I’ve even known a few that after divorce, they weren’t just done with their ex, they were done with their children. So, really… wth is going one here?

      You and others like you are and have been acknowledged by me at every turn in my journey (called life). I even completely understand how tough it can be for a black man to drive to and from work without being hassled by the cops (for example)! Like seriously, I know how tough that simply act can be! I shout through the hills that there are so many black men doing the right thing and I know you guys don’t get nearly enough spotlight for all that you really are doing. But, I’ve gotta spotlight that sisters (black women) are being worn down. And like you mentioned, lots of these kids are actually being raised by grandmothers (GRANDMOTHERS!!!) and aunts. It is the breakdown of the black family unit that concerns me the most and the black man’s willingness to walk away from it that has my stomach in knots.

    • Hello Dewayne and thanks for your input and happy up coming father’s day as well.

      How do I know? I looked it up a few years ago when I felt like I didn’t exist because no one acknowledged men like me.

      I often feel like this as well there are not too many images and models that exposes the hard work, loving and good nature of people that push through life with values and integrity. Even more because those images are limited in the view of everyday people it makes it even harder for people like us to find like mindedness in other around us but we are out there. I want to keep better company in my life so that I can know real love and so that I continue to destroy the development of jadedness in my years to come.

      Hurting people hurt people.

      This is very true but at some point accountability needs to come to play life is not once sided so neither should the relationships that enter into your life be especially to the ones that had no choice when being created.

      Anyway at the end of the day it is the attitude that you choose to carry that will direct what path that you choose to go toward. I am just so tried of being hurt over my past that I have no clarity towards my future. I pray for God to relieve my heart of the tension that I no longer need to carry. I doubt if I will ever have a real relationship with my father and at this point I don’t really want one, I just want to be able to forgive, move on and not look back. If he decides to become open to the aspect of fatherhood then I will give him a chance but I will not chase down a grown man after being neglected for years and then have to teach him how to be a father to me because my father grow up in a loving and well rounded home. On behalf of all women thank you for loving your children enough to stay around and for being a full time parent always.

      • Well thank you both. I don’t personally need acknowledgment since my kids keep my ego sky high with their love and praise. But I did want to point out that I am not unusual, and there is another side to the abandonment issue.

        The other point that I neglected to get back to was based is the fact that I know my mother loved me despite her inability to “be there”. Many of those fathers who are not there are crushed by life, but love their children immensely. Sometimes so much so that they feel the children are better without them. And in some cases, it’s true. Kids need consistency most next to love, and any single mother knows that nothing messes with a child’s head (and messes up the flow of her household) more than dad showing up sporadically or not showing up when he says he will. I tell father they need to be there, but if they can’t be consistent, be ghost. Don’t make it harder for another man to fill the role. I say that having also been a role filler.

        I know it doesn’t help most, but hopefully it will help some. Just because your father wasn’t there doesn’t mean he rejected you, and doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Moreso he doesn’t/didn’t love himself enough to want to be with you. But there is nothing wrong with you. He loves you. Spoken from the perspective of a single parent child/father.

      • Hi Dwayne T. (I had to go out of town suddenly– my apologies for the delay).

        I have to admit that I’ve yet to run across an absentee father who feels the child is better off without him… the ones I’ve encountered simply don’t care. And I do agree with you on the fact that if “dad” can’t be consistent, just be gone. I’ve found that to be more damaging than dad stopping by whenever he feels like it. The father I made a reference to that felt embarrassed about not being able to buy the sneakers… I remember telling him, “it’s not the shoes, it’s the ride with dad to shop for the shoes that ‘lil Johnny’ is really happy about”. It makes room for quality time, you know?

        “I know it doesn’t help most, but hopefully it will help some.”… I think this helps tremendously! I am not a fatherless child– my dad really was there so this offers new insight for me as well. I personally couldn’t imagine not having a dad in the home so I think it’s a real shame that so many are missing. And I do plan to blog about those neglectful and absentee mothers one day soon as there are a fair share who deserve a ‘wag of the finger’. People who create children and then neglect them will be on my shit list forever because they are playing around with lives. Lives that didn’t ask to be here. It’s time for both men and women to take parenting much more seriously. The fact that parents can become GRANDPARENTS as early as age 38 should be a clue for us all. I’m now on a movement (thanks to “Dear Diary Productions”) to end the dysfunction.

        I’m really glad men ARE weighing in on this important subject. It brings hope (at least it does for me). In the words of “Sly and the Family Stone”; You Can Make It If You Try (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X7h9jLCqFc)!!! I know you mentioned you don’t desire a KUDOS, but I beg to differ… KUDOs to you and your dad for holding it down and representing the many fathers who raise children on their own. I happened to feel/know my dad could have made it without my mom because he really loved being a Dad so both sexes really do have the capacity to weather the storm! BUT… fatherhood is extremely important (for our girls AND boys). Your wonderful insight has inspired another post for the blog! 😉

        What I love most about your experience is that you’ve managed to ‘survive’ without your mother and when the time came, you did the same thing your father did for you– took care of your children. I don’t know you from Adam, but you sound very together to me (plus I admire your blogspot) and I personally feel your children are blessed to have you as their dad. “Real Dads Rock”! (I think I’m going to make that a t-shirt inspired by Dwane T.) 🙂

        P.S. Your experience also reminds me that we innately know right from wrong regardless of the examples we see or circumstances. There is an instinctual thing that resonates with choice rather than circumstances and you sharing your personal experience (that of your dad too) makes your comment(s) on this subject extra special!

    • Dwane,

      The reason you don’t believe that 64% number is because you are smarter than the average bear. The film makers misconstrued the information. In the trailer it states that “64% of African American children grow up without a father.” That is an outright lie. In the trailer they cite their source as being the Census Bureau data, but if you go to their Indiegogo page and look under Statistics you will see something different. Under the statistics heading you will see the real data they are citing which reads as “Nearly 2 in 3 (64%) African American children live in father-absent homes.”

      Growing up in a father-absent home is totally different from saying that African American kids are growing up without a father. Just because 64% of kids aren’t living with their biological fathers doesn’t mean that their biological fathers aren’t playing a key role in raising their children.

      I’m not trying to say that some men don’t do right by there children cause we all know that there are some sorry brothers out there. I feel that this PSA/trailer is awful and it sickens me that people are quick to cosign it without fact checking it. Use common sense people how in the hell would the census bureau know if a biological father is raising his children. That’s not a question on the census.

  5. Thank you, Dwane T for your insightful comments. As always, you bring a dimension to the conversation that is missing. You’ve raised your children well. I know first-hand as your most recent ex-wife and mother of your youngest daughter. You truly deserve all the praise and kudos from all your admirers. *claps and whistles from the nose-bleed section of cyberspace*

    Thank you again for, once again, giving a voice to a silent nation…

    • Hi Hope! Now this is awesome and a first! Don’t think I’ve ever seen it where the ex’s come together in support of one another on a blog! Very cool! 🙂

      See, I’ve ALWAYS known that there are really good black men out there and ones who really dig fatherhood and I’m definitely grateful for Dwane T’s insight.

      @Muhammed… dude… calm down! As I mentioned in the article– I’d been trying to find accurate numbers for 1 1/2 years with no luck so no, I wasn’t able to verify 64% and that is unfortunate. But as I mentioned, one black child growing up without a father is one too many so if we find that it’s only 50%… dude, that’s too damn many for me! This is a crisis whether its 64%, 54%, 44%, 34%… my black ass is EXTREMELY disappointed with the many black “men” who ARE skipping out on their children. You dig? 🙂

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